Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Ciao 2013 - Bun Venit 2014

All good things come to an end; hopefully making way for better things.  Feels like it was just a blink of an eye and here comes 2014.  What a difference a year makes.  Last December I was counting weekends until my weekend calls or "Community Service" as I like to call them, were over.  The glorious PGY-2 was oh so close, yet so far.  This year the eternal countdown junkie in me is counting down to the majestic PGY-3 and guess what else?  Okay I will just humor myself and save you the suspense.  I have 18 more months of call left.  I will openly and shamelessly admit that I dislike call with a passion.  I don't know anyone who likes call.  If you happen to be one then I would like to see your "Men in Black" issued ID.  Yeah didn't think so!

At the same time I cannot deny that the amount of confidence I have now after 18 months of being a resident is hugely possible because of being on call.  Despite my disdain for call, I cannot deny that I am lucky to be in a program that has a proper call like you are suppose to have when you do your residency.  But enough of being thankful for the call.  My happy dance tonight is going to have a bit of funky sway because the light at the end of the tunnel is at least a sliver now compared to the dark tunnel last year.  I will soon bid Adios to the pager that never stops beeping and the long nights where sometimes all I want is 20 min of shut eye just to feel less of a zombie and at times I have secretly wanted to find a hit man to take the pager out.  I can already see the welcome 2015 blog post.
        
PGY- 3 also means no more inpatient months.  This is mainly a 12 month out pt rotation with no off campus rotations.  I am so excited about being in clinic and most importantly being with my amazing classmates.  After two years of being scattered away from each other for various rotations we are finally going to be together for a whole year.  I am looking forward to more time with my favorite people and all the craziness some of us bring to the mix.  July is going to be a great month.
New year also means the match season is coming to an end and soon we will find out who joins our program for 2014 match.  Interview season was long and testing both for the candidates and the programs but it is finally over even though it really is never over.  It is more like taking a mini break for a few months and it starts all over again.

Here is to an amazing 2014, more laughter, more learning, more fun and more knowledge.  I close 2013 on a high note with an amazing group of people to work with, doing a job I love with all my passion with all it's challenges in a system that frustrates me to no end some days balanced with a family that keeps me grounded and keeps me going when I feel tired and down.
Happy New Year Y'all!!!

Saturday, December 21, 2013

To Chief Or To Not?

I was reading a personal statement yesterday during the residency interviews.

"You don't choose Psychiatry; it chooses you."  Pretty deep right? 

Now this is exactly how I feel about being the chief resident.  It literally chose me while I was at my daughter's morning assembly one April in 2013, instead of being at the weekly Friday AM meeting.  Here I was taking adorable shots of my 1st grader singing and making videos because that is what moms do.  And then I got the text inquiring would I be interested in being the chief?  
This had to be a joke because the last thing I expected was to be handed the magic wand that I had imagined every chief had hidden under their invisible cloak.  If anything I was sure it was going to be the smart and fun AT to be named as the first ever PGY-2 chief for our group of croods, if we even succeeded having a chief from the 2s.    

Turns out my emails about wanting to do that and do this landed me in a hot pickle.  I used to think about, what my peers thought about my emails and I knew at least at some level they had to think "She has way too much time on her hands."  I admit that I am intense and as of yesterday I know for a fact people know that I am. Okay now if you know Dr. T, (No relation to Dr.T and the women, though Richard Gere has nothing on Dr.T in looks) you would know why I wanted to fall out of my chair, when he said that a particular applicant who we all liked reminded him of me because she was intense.  He is a man of a few words around residents for the most part.  I was kind of confused that he thought that.  Now I am hoping he meant it in a good way but I cannot be sure.  Darn you over thinking.   

Which brings me to the great part of being in this pickle.  The in between status of not faculty not resident, the Chief has it's own marination status.  Too tart to be a faculty and a bit more chewy to be a resident. Either way I want to assure everyone there is no magic wand and there certainly is no invisible cloak because if there was one, I would be unavailable at times for sure.  

Being a chief is like being a child who was suddenly allowed to stay up past bedtime from now on after the younger siblings have gone to bed.  It has it's perks when you get to find out John Stewart is really mad about the Pizza in Chicago and the reality shows on Bravo are really so good for one's self esteem but it also makes you at times miss the early bedtime and lullabies with the soft blue light in your room.  The great part of interacting with your faculty in a different capacity and finding out that they are not really that scary along with the painful knowledge of the fact that some people really are very hard to work with and there is no magic wand to make them disappear, it is an experience in it's own.  

Match season has it's own pains and gains.  It's the behind the scenes look that makes it all so incredible and sometimes I can't believe I am a part of that elusive scene whose mysteries haunted 3 years of my residency search.  I have found that there are no mysteries just pure cut throat competition.  I was told that "Chief year is the loneliest year of one's residency" or "No matter what, all chiefs are A--h*les."  It had made me somewhat weary of being one before starting.  I don't like being isolated and I certainly do not like failing.  

More doubt came as a spring chicken at the Chief Retreat back in May where I was met with a lot of skepticism (in a nice way) and sympathy because of being the only rising PGY-2.  I learned to make my year of training "a need to know" fact pretty fast just to avoid other chiefs trying to find horns sticking up my head.  I came back home quite defeated and literally considered walking up to the PD and telling him sorry I won't be able to do this.  But then I heard Phil Dunphy in my head "There is no Done in Dunphy" and I am not a Dunphy but I still listened to that voice in my head.  Yes I knew it was an imaginary voice, just so we are clear.  

Now at midpoint in my chieftain year, I do admit that it has been a stressful half year and I have fleeting thoughts of quitting next year but I have a Dunphy at home too.  I know he won't let me quit if the early bedtime group won't decide to harness my late bedtime.  I have no idea what they will decide but my half year has been anything but isolating and I don't think my peers think that I am that other thing I was told all chiefs are.  But then again I work with an insanely wonderful group of residents.  I think angels sing when we are all together or at least they want to sing.  I think the envy gods of chief town get green in the faces when I feel anything but isolated, well for the most part.  Okay well I do feel isolated when I make the call schedule and when I have to ponder for hours on the tally sheets just to keep track of all the call numbers but that comes with my territory.  If I get to wear the big girl pants, I have to keep the spiky itchy belt attached to the pants with superglue.  

To chief or not to chief is not merely because it is a feather in one's cap because it definitely is a feather and very colorful one from a distance.  But it also is at times a difficult task of being a reliable human bridge between the program and residents and no matter how many times it is crossed there will always be some people left on the either side who won't like the bounce or distance the bridge had to spread.  Nonetheless at the end of the day if you are able to make them believe that the construction is sound and the bridge won't fold when the either side needs it to be there, they will walk you and walk you with camaraderie and care.  

That is the essence of being the chief and that is what should drive the decision to be or not to be.  

PRITE Scores Are In

I was dreading this day for days.  I mean let's be honest; who am I kidding here?  Just because I am in second year of my residency, doesn't mean that I have miraculously stopped sucking at standardized testing.
C.S Lewis says "If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.”  

Guess what my desire is?  Yup you got it. I want standardized testing to choke on it's own saliva and die.  I think it's time for me to find the wardrobe and may be I will find Narnia.  

Rewind to last year December when I broke all records of doing terrible on a test.  I had to search high and low to console myself that I have done worst but I couldn't.  Even my Mount Everest of USMLE looked like a sand dune in front of my epic and colossal bad performance on PRITE as a PGY-1.  Okay well I had a few silver linings as in my Neurology/Child and Psychosomatic scores but I am sure you get the picture.  Anyway I had big plans to change things in 2013 but I am not sure when I fell off of that train.  I do remember getting on it but it must have been a very bumpy start because I don't remember anything else. 

I blocked the shame and went on with my first year.  July brought euphoria as I became the "Upper Level Resident" and the weekend call grind came to a screeching halt and along came Polly the post call day.  I remember August brought back the panic partially because I realized that I was still dozing off at the train station and also because I had more luggage this time around with increased responsibility of being a chief. Those bags are pretty heavy let me tell you.  I am a sucker for punishment as my therapy supervisor says because why else would I agree to be a chief in 2nd year?  Who does that?  

Generally when residents prepare for in service exams they tend to concentrate on past exams and questions.  Seems pretty simple and does wonders for most people but I'd be damned if my brain worked that way.  I wish it did but it just doesn't.  So I found my Kaplan and Saddock in a box sitting in the garage of my new home that I had just moved into.  Yes I moved - twice - in 4 months.  I told you I am a sucker for punishment.  I dusted it off and promised the study gods that this time it's real.  
And what do you know the gods must really have believed me because right before I was supposed to start another month of inpatient in September; my awesome program coordinator asked me about switching it to a study elective because some one had to switch their elective for a different rotation.  You can't ask for a better alignment of stars now can you?  Alas I need more than just stars aligned and double rainbows and unicorns eating jellybeans. Really, where is that darn wardrobe?  

Long story short, the dreaded 2 days of testing left me completely dazed esp. the second day. Who writes this exam?  I cannot believe that I actually missed USMLE after taking this torture spanned over 2 days. I actually missed the insane logic of those questions, though at that time they seemed worthy of being tossed into the Bermuda Triangle never to be found again.  It took me days to overcome the assault on my senses after those two days in October.  

And then I got the envelop.  It was staring at me in my inbox.  I opened it and instantly remembered why I hate standardized testing.  Too bad it can't choke and die nor can I ship it to Bermuda.  There is no Narnia for me either.  But I found my silver lining this time as well.  I don't have to spell it for you.  You have probably figured out that I didn't do particularly well this year as well but my misery has some solace in knowing the even though I sucked but I did it more knowledgeably this year.  The euphoria I felt as an upper level has gradually transformed into a mature awareness that I know more this year than I did last year and that I have started my ascent to the top of Mount Impossible.  

This year I will stay on the train and make sure it gets me where I need to go next October.  And really I don't want to end up eating a whole packet of Dove chocolates again after the onslaught that is called the PRITE.  Because if there is anything that I hate more than standardized testing, is having to buy elastic waistband pants for work because my real wardrobe may not lead me to an unknown world but it sure does keep me happy in my own.