Took me long enough to return here. What can I say? A lot has happened since the last post.
Last time when I took a leave from writing was when I was about to leave for the Forensic Center. It was an incredible experience with a minor hitch that I would rather not get into. I had the opportunity to work with an incredible attending physician who is now running our resident process group. First time I sat through the treatment team with him, I was in for a surprise. I found out about my own hang ups and anxieties that came into play in a different way with this teacher. He is all about interpersonal dynamics. You would think it is a given because I am training in a program that is more and more geared towards that but we still have ways to go and having this one week with him just opened my eyes to what I/we could learn from him. So of course I put my chief hat on and am immediately thinking about how to have more access to him for other residents. It would be great to have him as our own attending rather than just a week in one month but that is not happening.
I always wanted a process group for our residents and have a fairly decent amount of backing from my program director to go ahead with this. Eventually with some discussion and persuasion residents agreed to have a twice a month group with his help. I will have more thoughts about that when we have a few more of those. I also had an opportunity to rotate at the county jail with another great attending. What I found great about this month was that not only I had a good pool of patients to observe but I also had physicians who were eager to teach and were involved in making sure I got the best of the limited time I had with them. I however did recognize that even though I enjoyed the rotation, I have no desire to pursue forensic psychiatry as my future once I graduate.
One of the star events of this month has to be having Pat Pantone come talk to us. I am always amazed at these incredible teachers who come and talk to us and always leave us wanting more. There are not many people other than my children for whom I won't mind staying up a Saturday morning after a "No shut eye" Friday night call. This came neck to neck to the above. Dr. Pantone is associated with William Alanson Institute, NY and provided us with an amazing two days of discussions, case presentations and provided much appreciated analysis of two of our own cases, including one of my own current therapy patients. I did end up realizing that I do not suck as bad as I thought I did. Of course having the Director of Clinical Education of WAI validate that, did help a lot.
And then there was the chief election last month. I didn't get fired and got to keep my job for one more year. The election process in itself was rather anxiety provoking. In the process I also had some not so pleasant days which I now realize come with the territory. The invisible cloak I had referred to here doesn't seem to be just a novel product of my naive beliefs about being a chief before I was one myself. I didn't coin this idea because it exists in other minds too. I however now know after a year in this position that it doesn't exist.
I titled this post "Through ups and downs" precisely because with all my ups this past month I had downs that dragged me down and caused a great deal of anguish. I did make the mistake of giving the downs too much attention. I always tell my patients that how they react when something or someone bad happens to them depends on how much value they put on their own time and energy. I needed to remind myself of my own mantra. Isn't it so easy to sit on the chair and talk to the person on the couch?
What I have learned over the last month is that my job as a chief is valuable to my fellow residents and I cannot lose the sight of that value because they did choose me one more time. The ups and downs I face in this position are learning points just like in any mid management or management position. I can't let the ups disconnect me from the normal and I certainly cannot let the downs make me lose my focus from what I do every day i.e. be there for the residents as their support and guide them when they need me to, while balancing that support with the role I have to play for the program. I have another year before I turn my hat over to the next chiefs and I have a lot of work to do in this year starting with our brand new PGY-1 class starting in July. So while I still have to be mindful of triggers that change a good day to a bad day for me, I have to keep the bigger picture in mind and learn to look at it with more focus rather than thinking about "At this time and point in time." I think it is time to read Spencer Johnson, M.D. again.
So here is to becoming even better this year and continuing to work the very important job I was elected for, for one more year. Because through valleys only you get to the peaks.
