Thursday, December 31, 2015

The Green Me

Today is the last time I will post the end of year musing as a resident.  Next year this time I will be 6 months into my new job.  Not a resident anymore.  This is like growing up all over again and it is exciting and scary.  Last two months of my absence have been pretty eventful.  I finally achieved Nirvana and by that I mean that my 4th year has set into lower gear and cruise control.  Of course PRITE is over forever and from this despair that started this blog, to this less desperate slightly happier mention of scores, to a complete absence of any update on scores this year, things have certainly changed for the better.  In honor of my original post, let me just say that, I did really well this year.  I have moved from the lower ranks to top 5 scores in the program.  I think that is enough said about the dearly departed.

I can finally read, have time to see patients as often as I need to and have taken more therapy cases.  It's actually really fun to be a 4th year.  I completely agree with myself about what I said here regarding transition pattern in my posts.  Clearly I know myself, Yippee!!!

This gives me perspective about my anxiety with change.  When I get anxious and feel pressed for space and time, it means I will eventually get over it and on top of it.  This shall pass too, never sounded more relevant than in the past 3.5 years.  I look at the new interns and nostalgically remember my green, struggling self as an intern.  It seemed like it will never end but it did.  I remember the weekend calls and pager beeping, inpatient grind and off campus rotations with early am rounding with coffee in hand.  Part of me misses that intern because of how protected I really was and never realized it, until after the fact.

Then came second year and being the chief.  Again another green year because I was the "chosen one", the one with the invisible cloak etc., etc., etc.  I had to grow up faster than others and at times had to do it alone.  Being the oldest in my family, it just felt natural to me; until I wasn't the chief anymore this year and actually got to have less responsibility.  It is nice.  Part of me misses that green chief as well because of how she reshaped the more pedantic parts of herself/me and I never realized it, again until after the fact.

My 3rd year came and yet I was green once again, out patient!!  "I got this." I told myself when I started 3rd year, even though I had no idea what I was doing.  I knew I loved therapy and boy did I push myself.  At one point, I had 15 regular therapy patients and I was pressed for time in supervision to get consultation on all of them.  The best part of having a heavy therapy load was the decision to have my own therapy done.  I went through ups and downs of 3rd year, hanging on to my soft place to land namely, my therapy and my supervision plus my own office because let's just face it, frame matters.  I sat through sessions, my own and my patient's.  My emotions ranging from confusion to clarity, annoyance to enjoyment, sadness to happiness, anger to delight, scared to bold and then there were times when there used to be nothing.  At times, I miss that brand new 3rd year resident trying to be a therapist, because of how she pushed herself despite her doubts and stuck with it.  I just didn't realize it, until she wasn't there anymore.

So here I am, only 6 months left to graduate and knowing what I will be doing after graduation.  As I look back at years in my training, at every point, I see a part of me that had doubts, frustrations, anxiety, joys and changes, yet I was unaware of those at the time.  Sometimes things seemed impossible and sometimes it felt like an uphill battle that wouldn't let up.  But now I know that underneath it all, there always was a soft warmth of assurance and a sense of belief in what I did everyday; otherwise residency can be quite a jading experience.  Those of us who can hang on to that warmth and belief in our capacity to go beyond just "what is needed", tend to come out of this experience changed for the good.

We enter as interns but in order for us to be able to be on our own, grow up and do the job we signed up for; we have to accept the residency as a privilege and not a right.  Rights make people entitled, privileges make us humble.  Rights can be taken forgranted, privileges keep us on our toes.  Those of us who can admire that privilege in it's entirety, eventually come out better on the other side and that is my firm belief.

So as I say good bye to 2015 and wave in 2016, I hope to remember to be kind to my next green self in 6 months and take lessons from every past green part of me through these years.  I always come out better on the other side as long as I can keep my feet on the ground and head in the job.

So I will close with this,

“Drink from the well of yourself and begin again” — Charles Bukowski, (Author)

Happy new year everyone!!!