Once upon a time, years ago when I was a new mother.
Actually no, scratch that. I started writing this and realized that the last 10 years of my life have actually been a prelude to tonight. I have been a mother for 10 years now and from the day I brought my first born home, to the day my second and youngest baby came home, to the time they both started school and moved from grade to grade, to finally tonight; there has not been a single year that I wasn't in school, or studying to get in the residency, or studying for an in-service, and then now recently studying for boards.
My children have grown up watching me move from one stage of my career to the next, public health to residency, resident to Chief and then trainee to my current full time job. They have dutifully followed my schedule and adopted to what I needed to get past one more exam, one more test, one more call, one more weekend, one more moonlighting clinic and many more, one mores.
They have at times complained that I am always busy working, or answering emails, or studying. They made it pretty clear that they despised, when I worked weekend calls as an intern for a year or when I used to be on call period!!! I used to have my call schedule handy, so I could tell them when I would be on call the next time, so they could expect me not putting them to bed those nights.
Our night time reading ritual gradually disappeared. Partially, because they started to read themselves and partially because I had less and less time at the end of the day to lay down with them for 30-40 min and read or talk to them. I may not have noticed this but those of us with these little people at home, know very well that, what we don't notice, will not go unnoticed.
My 8 year old recently told me that I never lay down with them anymore and my 10 year old complained about not having time with me because "you always have books around you." To be fair, they are right. If I thought the last 4 years were the craziest of my life as a physician, I had another thing coming. The APBN board certification, to be called that elusive Board Certified Psychiatrist, is the end goal of finishing residency. Get a job and pass the board. That one.
The madness of last 4 years that led to the craziness since May, wasn't lost on my children. They have noticed the change in intensity and the pressure I felt. They have seen me stressed out and struggling to get in a few hours of studying at the end of the day. How can they not? It's so personal to them. I never lay down with them anymore. I am always rushing on weekends to finish soccer, violin or do grocery or cook for the week, all so I can study on Saturday night or Sunday morning. But the worst of all, I don't lay down with them anymore.
The 8 year old boy is persistent and crafty. His solution to the problem is one that suits us both. When he is done reading, he walks out to me and stands there and says "please come tuck me in." He doesn't move nor goes back until I get up from my questions or book and has told me "I get what I want." when I have complained that he is a bit pushy at times. That has been his way of making sure that I don't forget that he misses me. The 10 year old girl is more forgiving of her mom, so she doesn't complain much.
May be I missed it too much, so I completely missed it. All those defense mechanisms that I know and read about. Suppression, rationalization, denial, at times some undoing.........all of these helped me let it slip. Until 2 weeks ago, when my 8 year old looked at me and said "you will just break your promise again." (He is a bit dramatic, if you haven't figured that out yet). He is also disappointed in the moment that I told him yet again, not tonight. Luckily, I am aware that this isn't an all encompassing statement, about my value as a mother or a stark picture of his relationship with me. I told him, that in two weeks, I am done studying and if I pass, I have no more exams for 10 years. So as soon as I am done with my test, we will lay down together. He looked at me doubtfully and my 10 year old creeped in the room, from the adjacent room to confirm what she just heard, her eyes bright and excited.
So tonight, I did just that. I am done with my boards (for now). I don't know if I passed or not but until I find out otherwise in 12 weeks, I am going to get my time back with my children. I laid down with them tonight and talked about my grandma's house where we slept on the roof in hot summer nights with portable fans and then I read Mike Mulligan and his steam shovel with them and all was well. Tonight he didn't need to come get me, to tuck him in and she didn't say much as usual but she knew I didn't break my promise.
Tonight, I kept my promise and I hope I can keep it for next 10 years, if they still want their mother to talk to them before bed, no matter where they are.
