Tonight I Kept My Promise!!!!

Once upon a time, years ago, when I was a new mother.

Actually, no, scratch that. I started writing this and realized that the last 10 years of my life have actually been a prelude to tonight. I have been a mother for 10 years now, and from the day I brought my firstborn home to the day my second and youngest baby came home, it has been a whirlwind. From the time they both started school, moving from grade to grade, until finally tonight, there has not been a single year that I wasn't in school, studying to get into the residency, or studying for an in-service, and then recently for boards.

My children have grown up watching me move from one stage of my career to the next: public health to residency, resident to Chief, and trainee to my current full-time job. They have dutifully followed my schedule and adapted to what I needed to get past one more exam, one more test, one more call, one more weekend, one more moonlighting clinic, and many more, one more.

They have complained that I am always busy working, answering emails, or studying. They made it pretty clear that they despised, when I worked weekend calls as an intern for a year, or when I used to be on call period!!! I used to have my call schedule handy, so I could tell them when I would be on call the next time, so they could expect me not to put them to bed those nights.

Our nighttime reading ritual gradually disappeared. Partially, because they started to read themselves, and partially because I had less and less time at the end of the day to lie down with them for 30-40 minutes and read or talk to them. I may not have noticed this, but those of us with these little people at home know very well that what we don't notice will not go unnoticed.

My 8-year-old recently told me that I never lie down with them anymore, and my 10-year-old complained about not having time with me because "you always have books around you." To be fair, they are right. If I thought the last 4 years were the craziest of my life as a physician, I had another thing coming. The APBN board certification, to be called the elusive Board Certified Psychiatrist, is the end goal of finishing residency. Get a job and pass the board.  That one.

The madness of the last 4 years that led to the craziness since May wasn't lost on my children. They have noticed the change in intensity and the pressure I felt. They have seen me stressed out and struggling to get in a few hours of studying at the end of the day. How can they not?  It's so personal to them.  I never lie down with them anymore.  I am always rushing on weekends to finish soccer, violin, or do grocery shopping or cook for the week, all so I can study on Saturday night or Sunday morning.  But the worst of all, I don't lie down with them anymore.

The 8-year-old boy is persistent and crafty. His solution to the problem suits us both. When he is done reading, he walks out to me and stands there and says, "Please come tuck me in." He doesn't move or go back until I get up from my questions or book, and has told me, "I get what I want" when I have complained that he is a bit pushy at times. That has been his way of making sure that I don't forget that he misses me. The 10-year-old girl is more forgiving of her mom, so she doesn't complain much.  

Maybe I missed it too much, so I completely missed it. All those defense mechanisms that I know and read about. Suppression, rationalization, denial, at times some undoing.........all of these helped me let it slip. Until 2 weeks ago, when my 8-year-old looked at me and said, "You will just break your promise again." (He is a bit dramatic, if you haven't figured that out yet). He is also disappointed in the moment that I told him yet again, not tonight. Luckily, I am aware that this isn't an all-encompassing statement about my value as a mother, nor a stark picture of his relationship with me. I told him that in two weeks, I will be done studying, and if I pass, I have no more exams for 10 years. So as soon as I am done with my test, we will lie down together. He looked at me doubtfully, and my 10-year-old crept into the room from the adjacent room to confirm what she had just heard, her eyes bright and excited.

So tonight, I did just that. I am done with my boards (for now). I don't know if I passed or not, but until I find out otherwise in 12 weeks, I am going to get my time back with my children. I lay down with them tonight and talked about my grandma's house, where we slept on the roof in hot summer nights with portable fans, and then I read Mike Mulligan and his steam shovel with them, and all was well. Tonight, he didn't need to come get me to tuck him in, and she didn't say much as usual, but she knew I didn't break my promise.

Tonight, I kept my promise, and I hope I can keep it for the next 10 years, if they still want their mother to talk to them before bed, no matter where they are.