To Chief Or To Not?

I was reading a personal statement yesterday during the residency interviews.

"You don't choose Psychiatry; it chooses you."  Pretty deep right? 

Now this is exactly how I feel about being the chief resident.  It literally chose me while I was at my daughter's morning assembly one April in 2013, instead of being at the weekly Friday AM meeting.  Here I was taking adorable shots of my 1st grader singing and making videos because that is what moms do.  And then I got the text inquiring would I be interested in being the chief?  

This had to be a joke because the last thing I expected was to be handed the magic wand that I had imagined every chief had hidden under their invisible cloak.  If anything I was sure it was going to be the smart and fun AT to be named as the first ever PGY-2 chief for our group of croods, if we even succeeded having a chief from the 2s.    

Turns out my emails about wanting to do that and do this landed me in a hot pickle.  I used to think about, what my peers thought about my emails and I knew at least at some level they had to think "She has way too much time on her hands."  I admit that I am intense and as of yesterday I know for a fact people know that I am. Okay now if you know Dr. T, (No relation to Dr.T and the women, though Richard Gere has nothing on Dr.T in looks) you would know why I wanted to fall out of my chair, when he said that a particular applicant who we all liked reminded him of me because she was intense.  He is a man of a few words around residents for the most part.  I was kind of confused that he thought that.  Now I am hoping he meant it in a good way but I cannot be sure.  Darn you over thinking.   

Which brings me to the great part of being in this pickle.  The in between status of not faculty not resident, the Chief has it's own marination status.  Too tart to be a faculty and a bit more chewy to be a resident. Either way I want to assure everyone there is no magic wand and there certainly is no invisible cloak because if there was one, I would be unavailable at times for sure.  

Being a chief is like being a child who was suddenly allowed to stay up past bedtime from now on after the younger siblings have gone to bed.  It has it's perks when you get to find out John Stewart is really mad about the Pizza in Chicago and the reality shows on Bravo are really so good for one's self esteem but it also makes you at times miss the early bedtime and lullabies with the soft blue light in your room.  The great part of interacting with your faculty in a different capacity and finding out that they are not really that scary along with the painful knowledge of the fact that some people really are very hard to work with and there is no magic wand to make them disappear, it is an experience in it's own.  

Match season has it's own pains and gains.  It's the behind the scenes look that makes it all so incredible and sometimes I can't believe I am a part of that elusive scene whose mysteries haunted 3 years of my residency search.  I have found that there are no mysteries just pure cut throat competition.  I was told that "Chief year is the loneliest year of one's residency" or "No matter what, all chiefs are A--h*les."  It had made me somewhat weary of being one before starting.  I don't like being isolated and I certainly do not like failing.  

More doubt came as a spring chicken at the Chief Retreat back in May where I was met with a lot of skepticism (in a nice way) and sympathy because of being the only rising PGY-2.  I learned to make my year of training "a need to know" fact pretty fast just to avoid other chiefs trying to find horns sticking up my head.  I came back home quite defeated and literally considered walking up to the PD and telling him sorry I won't be able to do this.  But then I heard Phil Dunphy in my head "There is no Done in Dunphy" and I am not a Dunphy but I still listened to that voice in my head.  Yes I knew it was an imaginary voice, just so we are clear.  

Now at midpoint in my chieftain year, I do admit that it has been a stressful half year and I have fleeting thoughts of quitting next year but I have a Dunphy at home too.  I know he won't let me quit if the early bedtime group won't decide to harness my late bedtime.  I have no idea what they will decide but my half year has been anything but isolating and I don't think my peers think that I am that other thing I was told all chiefs are.  But then again I work with an insanely wonderful group of residents.  I think angels sing when we are all together or at least they want to sing.  I think the envy gods of chief town get green in the faces when I feel anything but isolated, well for the most part.  Okay well I do feel isolated when I make the call schedule and when I have to ponder for hours on the tally sheets just to keep track of all the call numbers but that comes with my territory.  If I get to wear the big girl pants, I have to keep the spiky itchy belt attached to the pants with superglue.  

To chief or not to chief is not merely because it is a feather in one's cap because it definitely is a feather and very colorful one from a distance.  But it also is at times a difficult task of being a reliable human bridge between the program and residents and no matter how many times it is crossed there will always be some people left on the either side who won't like the bounce or distance the bridge had to spread.  Nonetheless at the end of the day if you are able to make them believe that the construction is sound and the bridge won't fold when the either side needs it to be there, they will walk you and walk you with camaraderie and care.  

That is the essence of being the chief and that is what should drive the decision to be or not to be.