Two posts in two days, talk about writer's block being unblocked. Processing my personal struggle through words yesterday, has had an important affect on my state of mind. Who says words don't matter and talking doesn't help? Which takes me to my next confession. I have come to the conclusion that I am a relational therapist. My year long course in psychoanalysis is almost over and I have traversed many concepts such as traditional psychoanalysis, contemporary psychoanalysis, conflict theory, object relations, self psychology and interpersonal therapy, to name a few, given that all of it is mostly just skimming the surface. But the more I have read, the more I am finding myself changing on how I do therapy.
Over the past year, I have gradually and almost without any conscious planning, moved towards intersubjectivity, relationships in therapy and my own presence in the room. No, I don't mean that I wasn't present prior to this transition, but merely that I was trying pretty hard to be invisible, irrelevant. But I don't anymore. The downside being, I am very aware when I am tuning out during a session (downside because it still annoys me) and instead of turning it on to the patient (in my head), I now really question my own interference in the moment. I have caught myself being lost in my own dilemmas and have now dared to bring myself back in he session and disclose to my patient, that I had tuned out. And low and behold, the patient has already noticed. They were just too nice to call me out. Now I take responsibility!
However, I will add a foot note, just so there is no confusion. I don't discuss what is going on with me, nor do I disclose my personal dilemmas because even as my style has changed, the therapy is FOR the patient and I am not the guest of honor. I have been faced with questions about why I had tuned out? and then follow up about what may be on my mind, when I confessed that I was preoccupied. But even in the relational therapy and all the intersubjectivity, boundaries and the delicate art of disclosure, remains of utmost importance. Hence the focus remains on the guest of honor, and not on me. The upside, the sessions are more intimate, more fluid and I don't feel the pressure to fix everything. I am more comfortable saying, "You tell me."or "What do you make of it?" or "I need to think about this." That being said, I have also seen that what is going on with me, changes my sessions and today was a perfect example. I was calmer and felt better about processing my own thoughts and was more comfortable pushing my patients to look at the reenactments and patterns (today happened to be a day of such sessions, or may be I was more tuned in).
To make the long story short, may be today I understand why I wrote, what I wrote last night. It was the responsible therapist in me, that felt trapped and paralyzed by my own doubts, inadequacies, battles about my roles and the stigma of children with learning needs, special needs. I had carried that burden with me for months and certainly for last 3 weeks to this Thursday.
Today I felt at peace. Not only did I face my fragile ego that was bruised but I also rebelled against my super ego that kept telling me, to not talk about this so openly. At the end of the day, I decided that I will not stigmatize my precious child, by keeping my feelings hushed about his struggle and my own struggle as his mother. I am his advocate and I can help many more like him by talking about him out loud.
Whether you are the therapist, who is mature enough to admit to the patient that he/she was wrong, or didn't know what was going on but can definitely work with the patient to find out, or a mother like me who finally decides to throw caution to wind and hold her head high to cheer her son on, welcome to the club. It is intense, personal and never easy because the burden of being responsible, lies in being vulnerable and being vulnerable is the only way to expand your horizons.
As Dr. Brene Brown Said:
"Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change."
Over the past year, I have gradually and almost without any conscious planning, moved towards intersubjectivity, relationships in therapy and my own presence in the room. No, I don't mean that I wasn't present prior to this transition, but merely that I was trying pretty hard to be invisible, irrelevant. But I don't anymore. The downside being, I am very aware when I am tuning out during a session (downside because it still annoys me) and instead of turning it on to the patient (in my head), I now really question my own interference in the moment. I have caught myself being lost in my own dilemmas and have now dared to bring myself back in he session and disclose to my patient, that I had tuned out. And low and behold, the patient has already noticed. They were just too nice to call me out. Now I take responsibility!
However, I will add a foot note, just so there is no confusion. I don't discuss what is going on with me, nor do I disclose my personal dilemmas because even as my style has changed, the therapy is FOR the patient and I am not the guest of honor. I have been faced with questions about why I had tuned out? and then follow up about what may be on my mind, when I confessed that I was preoccupied. But even in the relational therapy and all the intersubjectivity, boundaries and the delicate art of disclosure, remains of utmost importance. Hence the focus remains on the guest of honor, and not on me. The upside, the sessions are more intimate, more fluid and I don't feel the pressure to fix everything. I am more comfortable saying, "You tell me."or "What do you make of it?" or "I need to think about this." That being said, I have also seen that what is going on with me, changes my sessions and today was a perfect example. I was calmer and felt better about processing my own thoughts and was more comfortable pushing my patients to look at the reenactments and patterns (today happened to be a day of such sessions, or may be I was more tuned in).
To make the long story short, may be today I understand why I wrote, what I wrote last night. It was the responsible therapist in me, that felt trapped and paralyzed by my own doubts, inadequacies, battles about my roles and the stigma of children with learning needs, special needs. I had carried that burden with me for months and certainly for last 3 weeks to this Thursday.
Today I felt at peace. Not only did I face my fragile ego that was bruised but I also rebelled against my super ego that kept telling me, to not talk about this so openly. At the end of the day, I decided that I will not stigmatize my precious child, by keeping my feelings hushed about his struggle and my own struggle as his mother. I am his advocate and I can help many more like him by talking about him out loud.
Whether you are the therapist, who is mature enough to admit to the patient that he/she was wrong, or didn't know what was going on but can definitely work with the patient to find out, or a mother like me who finally decides to throw caution to wind and hold her head high to cheer her son on, welcome to the club. It is intense, personal and never easy because the burden of being responsible, lies in being vulnerable and being vulnerable is the only way to expand your horizons.
As Dr. Brene Brown Said:
"Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change."
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