Gasp!!!!! It's here!!!!!
Yes you made it. You made it to the end with me. Through my sporadic musings and irregular postings, you are now finally at the end of this road with me. Last year, this time, I was musing about graduation and imagining what it would be like when it's my turn? So here it is. My long awaited day on the stage, getting that hard earned diploma of completion and saying the parting words, yet it feels unreal, too soon, somewhat giddy and also painful, So many emotions go through my head when I think about what is about to happen, As I worked on planning our graduation ceremony and prepared a slide show of the last four years, to present on the day of graduation, I realized how fast time had passed. It was only 4 years ago in June, when I was thinking about starting my residency.
It has been a wild ride. The crazy intern year, internal medicine, neurology, the weekend calls and long nights on call along with the zombie like state that persisted almost the whole intern year. I don't miss them but there is an odd comfort in touching that memory at this time. The two years I spent as the chief resident, as a 2nd year and a 3rd year, prompted a lot of my musings here and tested me more than I had realized; until I stepped down as a 4th year. My experiences at Tarry Town and APA Chief Resident Meeting were the highlights of my terms as the chief resident. It was not the easiest job but it had it's perk. After all, every rose has it's thorn.
As a 4th year, I got to have much more freedom and autonomy that I found to be the double edged sword. It's so easy to get disconnected from every one and everything and I found myself hanging on to my place as a resident, especially towards the end of the year. It felt like I was being pushed to grow up and leave the nest, I didn't want to and knew I eventually will have to.
Until today, I felt that I am not losing anything because I am staying around as a faculty. Today I realized that I have been coping with this separation by denying it. I am not a resident any more in 3 weeks from now. I knew this day was coming, yet I didn't see it coming. Leaving home is hard, you are always welcome back but it's not the same. I am not leaving, yet I am. I am still around, yet I am not. There are things that I will dearly miss and things that I will definitely not miss but what I will miss, makes it hard to say good bye.
The day I had walked on grounds to pick up my badge as a PGY-1, is etched in my memory. Getting my first ID and getting a personal pager (yeah I am ancient, 4 years ago we had them) was the biggest news of that day, until of course I started dreading the damn thing and by the end of third year had murderous fantasies towards it's evil twin, the on call pager. Who knew, I would reminiscent about those moments too but I do.
So here is to my memories of the mothership. Some days I was annoyed, angry and despondent but more than anything I always loved being the space cadet, who just couldn't get enough of her. My fondness of her grew every time I left to go to other tiny ships floating around her, and I always came back appreciating what I had. As I say good bye to her, I am sad because I can't run to her anymore when I need a break, like I used to on Wednesday and Friday afternoons. I can't walk in and feel like home again, without feeling that my room has been taken and rearranged for the new kids, Yet here I am, wishing I could. So dear mothership, thank you for the memories and thank you for making me who I am.
With heavy heart, I bid you good bye!!!!
How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. ~Carol Sobieski and Thomas Meehan, Annie
Yes you made it. You made it to the end with me. Through my sporadic musings and irregular postings, you are now finally at the end of this road with me. Last year, this time, I was musing about graduation and imagining what it would be like when it's my turn? So here it is. My long awaited day on the stage, getting that hard earned diploma of completion and saying the parting words, yet it feels unreal, too soon, somewhat giddy and also painful, So many emotions go through my head when I think about what is about to happen, As I worked on planning our graduation ceremony and prepared a slide show of the last four years, to present on the day of graduation, I realized how fast time had passed. It was only 4 years ago in June, when I was thinking about starting my residency.
It has been a wild ride. The crazy intern year, internal medicine, neurology, the weekend calls and long nights on call along with the zombie like state that persisted almost the whole intern year. I don't miss them but there is an odd comfort in touching that memory at this time. The two years I spent as the chief resident, as a 2nd year and a 3rd year, prompted a lot of my musings here and tested me more than I had realized; until I stepped down as a 4th year. My experiences at Tarry Town and APA Chief Resident Meeting were the highlights of my terms as the chief resident. It was not the easiest job but it had it's perk. After all, every rose has it's thorn.
As a 4th year, I got to have much more freedom and autonomy that I found to be the double edged sword. It's so easy to get disconnected from every one and everything and I found myself hanging on to my place as a resident, especially towards the end of the year. It felt like I was being pushed to grow up and leave the nest, I didn't want to and knew I eventually will have to.
Until today, I felt that I am not losing anything because I am staying around as a faculty. Today I realized that I have been coping with this separation by denying it. I am not a resident any more in 3 weeks from now. I knew this day was coming, yet I didn't see it coming. Leaving home is hard, you are always welcome back but it's not the same. I am not leaving, yet I am. I am still around, yet I am not. There are things that I will dearly miss and things that I will definitely not miss but what I will miss, makes it hard to say good bye.
The day I had walked on grounds to pick up my badge as a PGY-1, is etched in my memory. Getting my first ID and getting a personal pager (yeah I am ancient, 4 years ago we had them) was the biggest news of that day, until of course I started dreading the damn thing and by the end of third year had murderous fantasies towards it's evil twin, the on call pager. Who knew, I would reminiscent about those moments too but I do.
So here is to my memories of the mothership. Some days I was annoyed, angry and despondent but more than anything I always loved being the space cadet, who just couldn't get enough of her. My fondness of her grew every time I left to go to other tiny ships floating around her, and I always came back appreciating what I had. As I say good bye to her, I am sad because I can't run to her anymore when I need a break, like I used to on Wednesday and Friday afternoons. I can't walk in and feel like home again, without feeling that my room has been taken and rearranged for the new kids, Yet here I am, wishing I could. So dear mothership, thank you for the memories and thank you for making me who I am.
With heavy heart, I bid you good bye!!!!
How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. ~Carol Sobieski and Thomas Meehan, Annie
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